Cleaning the Gene Pool

Cleaning the Gene Pool (or Why Stupid People Die in Horror Movies)

We’ve all seen it.  The shrieking, terrified woman (usually barely attired) running through the woods (house, cemetery, etc) from the killer (zombie, vampire, werewolf, etc).  You sit there in either in front of the TV or the movie screen and say, “What the hell is she doing?  Shut up and run, don’t make noise and find a place to hide”.  Sound familiar?  Of course it does.  Stupid people in horror movies die because—well they’re dumb.  Before you think I’m not very nice let’s consider the following.

The lack of animal predators in large numbers nearby is the reason these people have to die.  Hey Freddie, Jason, Aliens, Predators (or any other movie monster/villain) are just doing a public service by knocking off these people before they have kids (sometimes they’re too late, but that’s another story).  Have you noticed this usually occurs after said dumbasses have sex?  It’s just the monster’s version of proactive abortion.  Stupid people bred stupid kids and since it’s really hard to keep up with them all it’s the creature’s best solution.

Your car breaks down in the country (Europe, the Amazon, or where ever) and instead of you trying to fix it you accept a ride from a total stranger with an axe (crazy look in their eyes, blood on their clothes, maniacal grin, etc).  In this day of cell phones you can’t call for help?  Even if you don’t have reception do you think a mansion WAY out in the boondocks is safe?  Sorry folks, rich people own mansions and tend to live in close proximity.  The mad scientist who wants to create the human centipede values his privacy thus lives in the sticks.

You can tell the people whose birth certificates are about to expire because they’re the ones who either suggest the group split up, can’t control their carnal desires, scream at the drop of a hat or are an ass from the beginning of the film.  These are the same people who demand you and the rest of your party should slosh through the sewers to rescue the dog they found who’s delivering a sandwich to some guy in a gun shop across the street.  Of course if you won’t go.  Well then they just get half of the cast killed by rushing over there themselves and getting trapped by the zombie/monster/killer.  In the animal kingdom these people who go to help, following said dumbass are called LEMMINGS.  Don’t get me started on the moronic children in 28 Weeks Later who gets the world killed because the bratty brother HAD to have a picture of his mother so he wouldn’t forget her face.

So the next time you see the blonde bimbo with the big boobs wandering through the haunted house shouting for her boyfriend/love interest/missing child or animal just remember she is shortly going to be removed from the gene pool.  Don’t be sad—hell you ought to cheer.  One more dead cheerleader/angst-obsessed Goth girl/whiny male character isn’t going to make a big difference in the world.  In fact you should be helping Freddie, Jason, Leatherface, or whoever is helping rid Humanity of these twits.  Now if I can only hire these guys to hunt at the screening of the next Twilight movie we can all enjoy some peace and quiet.  Unless they come back as sparkling vampires or fast running zombies, again, don’t get me started…

5 responses to “Cleaning the Gene Pool

  1. You had me laughing so damn hard, Chris. I’ve been saying the same thing for years–hell since I was a teenager. I’m the person that knows automatically who’s on the Dead Meat list. Maybe I’ve just seen way too many horror films–who knows?

    And yeah…those fast moving zombies…

    I’ve had that conversation with my zombie loving buddy. It was not a friendly conversation, neither was the sparkling vampire one either.

    Thanks for just kicking it out there and giving my morning a smile. 😉

  2. Actually, this is typical of the arrogant crap I have to put up with these days. These movies cater to the social darwinist crowd. These are people who have judged THEMSELVES superior to the world in general and can’t get their heads out of their butts.

    Mind you, I enjoy reading the latest Darwin Awards as much as the next guy, but I don’t kid myself that I’m any more immune to the Dilbert Principle (as some point in the day, ANY day, you, me, EVERYBODY, is going to be in a situation that he or she is so poorly equipped to handle that he is a TOTAL, BLITHERING IDIOT) than that guy is. That’s the difference between movies and real life. In real life, it could happen to anybody, any time, anywhere. In fact, the truth gets out even in some of those movies. In the end of one of those zombie movies, they blow up a whole town because there’s a zombie infection on the loose. Don’t tell me that everybody who lived in that entire town was an moron who deserved to die.

    You guys need to get over yourselves. Too bad they don’t have any characters in those movies who are not stupid but narcissists who think that they’re somehow immune to monsters because of how smart they think they are, who then get bumped off as just a little reminder…

  3. F’IN AWESOME, Christopher!!!! You took the words right out of my mouth! I can count the many times I’ve yelled at stupid ass people for doing stupid ass things in horror movies. (Perfect example–ZOMBIELAND. Those annoying bitches who hop on a ride that gradually DROPS them back down to the zombies!!! HELL-O!! Do you WANNA be zombie chow!??!) Common sense is SO lacking! LOL! Awesome topic!

  4. Yay, Christopher! It’s gotten so bad I’ve heard members of the audience groan when this happens. And let’s not forget the advice given along those lines in Scream and its many successors.

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