Jiggle?

I was working with a female editor recently and discovered the most amazing thing–another difference between men and women.  The word jiggle.  I write erotica most of the time and the toughest part about it is to make each and every sex scene different and still exciting.  There are only so many words you can use to describe various body parts and how they move.  One of my scenes involved the word jiggle.  Needless to say I was politely told that this word makes women cringe and shudder.

Really? 

ObviouslyI am a man (or at least the last time I checked) so the bump, roll and jiggle of a woman’s body is among some of the more pleasant movements in the world.  Be they nun or harlot there is something about the shimmying of a woman’s body that strikes a very deep cord in the male mind.   Sensous bouncing, wobbling and swaying sets a man’s libido a-fire and makes him happy he was born male.  Say what you want about pursed, soft lips or even hair spun like silken thread–a woman’s jiggling is extremely sexy.  How was I to know it was a BAD word?

My father once told me that there is always something about a woman that is beautiful.  She might have a great smile, a sultry voice or even sparkling eyes–even her jiggle can be wondrous.  Oh well I guess I learned something new and the world is a sorrier place for it. 

So women harken to my words!  Embrace your jiggling!  Strut and shimmy and remind yourself that the men around you are fascinated, enthralled and mesmerized in the movement of your bodies!  I say we take back the word jiggle, wobble and roll and make it part of the beauty of all womanhood.  Who wants to watch a skinny, anorexic model stomp down the runway, no jiggle in sight!  Toothpick-like legs, no bounce to the ounce–what fun is that?!  Quiver with pride!  Jiggle joyfully! 

We’ll be watching…..

Ciao!

Chris

An unpublished excerpt

This is an excerpt from a manuscript I’ve sent in to Harlequin Romance.  It’s not my usual stuff and its a moderate attempt at catering to the needs and desires of the book-buying public.

 

 

Chapter One

     “You don’t stand a chance, human!” it snarled at me.  The fiend limped forward and shied away from my car.  It figures, another rabid Turned who was flexing his mouth muscles trying to frighten me.  It really gets old after the first few times.

     “Look buddy,” I told him, “we do this the hard way or the easy way.  Which one will it be?”

He jumped across the hood of my car, his fangs jutting out of his red tissued and gaping maw.

     I guess it’s the hard way, I sighed inwardly.  Twisting my body I let the suit-wearing vampire fly past me.  His out-flung arms missing me by just a few inches as he soared by effortlessly.  He hit the wet pavement, skidding unceremoniously, and flailed his limbs in an attempt to maintain his balance.

     “Nice leap,” I provoked him on purpose. “You should try out for the Olympics.”

    “I’m gonna rip out your throat!”

    “I’ve heard that one before too.”

     He stood there, his chest heaving up and down in the dark, wet parking lot while the light misting rain hissed downward.  The echoes of his threats bounced around the concrete structure which was empty like his words.  I yanked back my long overcoat’s left side exposing the sharpened saber riding its scabbard against my hip.

     “Hah!  A sword?” he mocked.  “That’s no threat to me!”

    “So I’ve been told,” I answered back calmly.  His next move, as predictable as the last, was to rush at me with arms stretched out before him.  I could see his dirty fingernails and pale palms.   I drew the saber and spun to my right in a full circle, extending the razor sharp edge out in front of me as I nearly pirouetted.  It was a solid hit.  I felt the tug of the blade as it struck and sheared through his graying flesh.  Spinning to the ground in a flourish I completed my movement with my empty hand upon the cold pavement and my left leg thrust out behind me.  The headless figure took several staggering steps forward before collapsing to the ground with a thump.  

     I eased to my feet, flicking the blade to clear it of the brackish ichor smeared upon it.  I finished the job on the suit of the headless corpse.  Keeping my eyes fixed on the bowling ball sized noggin which had come to a rest just four feet from the still form while I returned my sword to its sheath.  The bloodsucker’s body flopped and convulsed despite being decapitated.

     “I’ll kill you!” it screamed his left cheek against the wet concrete.

    “Without a body, I seriously doubt that,” I scoffed.

    “Wait don’t do this”

     They always beg in the end, I sighed.

     Reaching back into my long coat I produced a plastic bag of holy wafers, a pair of thick leather gloves, and a tongue depressor.  I sat cross-legged on the asphalt; the dampness quickly was transferred from ground to my backside while I put on my gloves. 

     “We can make a deal!  I promise not to hurt anyone every again!” it pleaded.

    “I don’t make deals with your kind,” I reminded him.  “You could’ve gone quietly remember?”

Picking up the now growling skull I placed it between my legs, holding it tightly with my knees.  I picked up the tongue depressor and looked into it’s beady, blood-shot eyes.

     “Open up and say ah,” I asked politely.

    “Fuck you bitch!”

    Still choosing the hard way, I told myself.   I snagged its nose and waited for it to open its mouth to take a breath.  Being newly Turned he didn’t realize he didn’t need to breath, hell right now he didn’t even have lungs.  But like all the rest he only managed a few seconds. 

    Jamming the depressor into his mouth I held down his jaws and fumbled with the plastic baggie.  Using my teeth I removed one glove and got myself a palm-full of holy wafers.   I stuffed them rudely into his mouth, not feeling any sort of remorse in the act. 

     He had his chance!

    I removed the wooden sliver out of his lips and repositioned his head in my legs.  Now the crown of his skull and his lower jaw were pinched by my knees.  Pulling out more items from my pocket I sewed up his lips with a needle and thread.  Silver metallic thread, of course.

     The task was done rather quickly since I was tired and not in the mood to do it neatly.  With a cold, wet butt I stood up and snatched up the head of Mr. James Whitmore of 2225 Barker Streetby his scraggly black hair.  I opened my car’s trunk and threw it inside.  After a lot of grunting and groaning his spastic body followed suit. 

     A quick staking, an impromptu re-burial, and a few other amenities later I trudged back to my elderly Grand Prix and wearily drove back home.

      All in a night’s work, I told myself. 

A Terrible Tryst of Fate Review

AJ Llewellyn from Dark Diva Reviews has this to say about my novel “A Terrible Tryst of Fate”:

A Terrible Tryst of Fate by Christopher C. Newman

Summary: Amelia Bainbridge is a single, lonely woman who dreams of true love rescuing her from her humdrum existence. What she gets is an assault by a wayward toad demon, G’rrk and she is swiftly rescued by a mysterious, handsome, silver-haired hero named Hunter.

Confused and conflicted by her feelings for him, Amelia ponders who this man might be as he struggles with his own demons…literally. Is this a match made on earth, in heaven or…?

My Review: This is an intriguing story that although based on a tried and true premise features a plucky, convincing heroine and a very captivating hero in Hunter.

Author Christopher C. Newman understands women very well and gives Amelia an inner world that is both amusing and realistic. He also excels at depicting dark forces and provides original and interesting images of demons and hell. Added to the mix is the triangle of sorts with Hunter’s on-off lover Erzsébet jealously watching the developments on earth and this makes for some fast-paced, way above average romantic angst.

The sex scenes are many and often, frankly a bit creepy when they involve Erzsébet and demons, but still, this is an interesting book that is anything but typical of the erotic genre.

Without wanting to spoil this for those who haven’t read it I hope there are more books planned for Hunter and Amelia, the ending seems to warrant it.

Rated 4 Delightful Divas by A.J. Llewellyn!

A View on Writer Popularity Contests

It is my firm belief that there are more writers out there than there are readers on many sites dedicated to books.  I find it very difficult to find a way to reach my readers than I can with my fellow authors.  Like an unchecked deer population I practically have to elbow them out of my way to tranverse the Internet  in my search to confront anyone who actually reads, not writes.  I wonder where, in the bowels of Cyberspace, these people hide, crouched in fear from the massive search of millions of authors who, like SkyNet in the Terminator movies, hunt them relentlessly.  I was involved in a contest, obviously for writers by writers, to “choose” the most popular in their genre for 2008.  To my utter lack of shock, I discovered it was  nothing more than a popularity contest. 

Apparently in that deep dark place the readers are secretly immersed they barely got the message.  With my low sales quote for my novels I find it quite unlikely that I really placed 12th on the list of any of the voting categories.  Perhaps I’m just a Philistine with a dose of too much reality, but I know who voted for me.  Most of them have read my work, but for free (most are related to me in one way or another).  With this in mind I hardly “crowed” about my “victory” and now find it all rather amusing (in that sarcastic sense of humor of mine). 

But does this devalue the work of any of those who participated?  Unlikely at best.  Like I’ve stated before I believe that these poor huddled masses are afraid to peek out their heads to participate in most contests for fear of getting their Inboxes jammed pack with unwanted emails from the menagerie of writers out here in Cyber-land.  Perhaps when the sun goes down, and nobody’s looking, these timid creatures will unburrow themselves out of the ground and seek out the results of the voting.  Maybe I’ll sell a few more books, but I really don’t care at this point in time.  I’ve come to the conclusion I write primarly for myself, my family next, and anyone adventurous to read something without the usual creatures (vampires, werewolves, and such), the standard plot devices (bad boy/girl meets good boy/girl for fun, romance, and danger), and ending with a predictable conclusion. 

I’m still wondering how many readers are out there.  I promise not to expose you to my colleagues if you come forward, it’ll be our little secret…. honestly.

So you want to be a writer…

A good friend just emailed me a day or two ago telling me bout all sorts of typos and grammatical errors in the books she was reading.  Thinking about this made me contemplate the radical changes in the publishing industry itself.  I have blogged on other sites about the stiff criteria, submission guidelines, and abundance of authors.  The song, if you will, goes something like this:

With the advent of the computer age, many people who would have never considered becoming an author have tried their hand in it.  This means massive amounts of submissions to those who put out books.  Were as this is a good thing for most publishers, it can also be a nightmare too.  It reminds me about the “needle in the haystack” comment you’ve all heard before.  IMHO large publishers flat out refuse to accept “unsolicited” manuscripts from new authors.  Others pile on the workload in the form of submission guidelines to deter those who don’t wish to “jump through so many hoops” to send anything in.  This IMHO is where the weeding out begins. 

I had the pleasure of trying to submit something to a certain publishing firm devoted to a certain lifestyle currently undergoing a Renaissance (not the publishing company but the Age of Mankind) in sales.  The work I had to do was absolutely staggering as far as anything I’ve ever encountered since.  The manuscript had to be printed out with a specific font and format.  It had to be sent along with the completed eight page author bio, author questionnaire, the cover letter, my synopsis, and a full blown marketing strategy.  In addition to all this I was required to send the book on CD with it dated, signed, and printed signature as well.  Being the bulldog that I am, I completed all the work and sent iti in. And waited… and waited… and waited.  For all my troubles I received (as usual with many publishers due to time and amount of submission) a carefully written form letter rejecting it.  No, I wasn’t devastated, I expected it.

So how does this apply to the first paragraph?  Authors are now required to turn in an almost flawless manuscript, professionally edited, and ready to go.  This saves IMHO the company money since it doesn’t have to employ more than a proof-reader.  The exception to this rule (explaining mis-spellings and bad grammar) are when a writer is so popular he/she can get away with such inconsistences due to the nature of character, storyline, or audience.  Read Stephen King’s “Lissa’s Story” for an example.  No one tells Mr. King how to write, he even explains it all in the forward of the book. 

I’ve heard talk of authors getting agents, personally I can’t get even one to speak to me directly.  I stopped wasting my time by sending them emails and letters.  Most of the people I know personally don’t have an agent.  If you CAN get one, by all means snatch up that opportunity.  They will do a lot of the work I’ve discussed for you leaving you more time to actually sit down and write.

It is, I am told, a well established  fact that only 3% of all authors do it for a living.  The odds are not in your favor you will ever become as popular as others, but don’ t let that deter you from trying.  The bonus to all this change is the fact that there are smaller publishers, both traditional and e-book, more than willing to take the chance on you.  But be prepared to do a lot of extra work.  Self-promotion, review submissions, blogging (as I am now), website construction, and much more is necessary to generate interest in your body of work.  I hate to say this, but I’m lazy.  I’d prefer not to have to do all this to sell a copy of my books but I cannot find a better way of doing it.  The “good old days” of publishing is gone, you are now required to spend hours in front of the computer not writing but generating fans and reviews.  But if you love it, you will do it.  Me?  Well I’m hoping to be that lucky 3% on day…. but I’m not holding my breath.